April 5

Okay. Back at this.
I actually think some of my problem is the larger laptop.I still haven't gotten toa place where I'm not thinking about the fact that I'm balancing it, so I need to figure omething out.
The last couple weeks - end of March beginning of April - has been great, greatly improved and containing high spots usually unseen until end of winter. We've been to the Conservatory, Adam has been on an overnight to the zoo, Eric and I saw Us in the theater in Gallipolis last weekend. This week I've been trying to stem Mom's loneliness without Betty. Heather has, too. I had lunch with Mom, we went shopping in Chillicothe, last night she, Adam and I all went on the Egg Walk downtown then had ice cream at Michael's.
I always have deep and profound thoughs before opening the laptop then dry up into less intimate relating of daily events to keep distance. But admission is exposing vulnerability, so I should get a little credit for trying. For beginning.

Now, recent pictures and crafts:

Mar 21

Pretty good day. Haircut in the morning; mis-scheduled myself (again) and missed a chance to have lunch with Kelli, but we're going tomorrow. Made pork chops for dinner and played a made-up (by Adam) version of Wheel of Fortune, then Let's Dance, then they played Mario and it was all aroud just a good evening.
Planning on going to The Conservatory on Saturday.
Battling raning thoughts, being distracted. Making an effort to come back.
Getting back on schedule.
Slow going. Life. Even though it flies, progress is slow.
But it's Spring.
Que sera sera <3

Mar 20 Wed

It's been a great day. Warm, sunny I was off to a shaky start in the morning (mornings have been rough this week) then saw deer out by the garage - it changed the whole day, like a good omen. I went to lunch at Mom's work, ate with her, Mechel & Heather. Adam got off the bus, Eric came home from work, we did homework & ate dinner by 5 ( I drastically overestimated a cook time) then spent the evening outside - picking up sticks, Adam jumped on the trampoline & went over to McGhees & played with the Farleys while Eric fed and I weeded the flowerbed. Then we came in, watched TV, and played Wheel of Fortune on Adam's whiteboard. Now it's 10:15 and I'm not far from bedtime, and the Worm Moon is full. First day of Spring <3

March 18 Mon

Okay so a bunch of stuff happened (or didn't? I guess) with Heather, plus Daylight Savings Time and a really full schedule, kicked my ass and I fell off my dailies in everything the past couple weeks, including this blog. I'm getting back on track with my uv lamp, evening crafting, scheduled cleaning, and now blog. I'll be back on track by the end of the week.

mar 4

Another gift of a day. So slow at work I got off early, sunshine.
I've been thinking that Winter is two different planets; depending entirely on the presence or absence of the sun.
It feels true.

sun mar 3

The snow today was a gift. The whole day was a gift. We're smack in the middle of a busy few weeks, and the past few days have been the most concentrated busy it will be - work, Little Prince, Southview Carnival with everyone even Jude - and then comes today, sleeping til 10:30 & running a crock pot full of potato soup over to Heather. We were safely home before the world went white, we snuggled under blankets in the living room and played Scrabble. Eric watched John Wick 2 and napped in the recliner, I read 1/3 of White Is for Witching.
Tomorrow is back to work. I'm tired but energized from the downtime winter lie-in.

feb 28

I made it to the last day of February before I caved and watched The Shining. This is the longest into winter I've ever gone before falling into its particular moody psychotic winter atmosphere tonic for weary winter soul (or however you want to say it) but I've needed these mountains and needed these twins.
Times are tough. But tomorrow is March. We're gonna make it.

feb 27

The week has been a little trying but I've been spending so much quality time with Adam. A few pictures from the last couple days.
When I look back at photographs I realize how hard I look at the background - for traces of us, for what we were doing and reading and sleeping under and watching and playing. I'm going to try and remember to document our nests, as well as us.

feb 26 Tue

February has somehow been very long. But we can see the end of it.
It's been rough. The last few days have been super busy and off-schedule and I'm happy and relaxed this morning, happy to be home in the quiet and the sunshine. There are a pair of bluebirds in the yard, in the pear tree across from the bluebird house. I hope they're making a nest in there.
Adam was home sick yesterday, I think he was just sick in that exhausted headcold dreary melancholy way; we watched Coco and Goosebumps 2 and he ate Subway and I did a test run for his Thursday Read Across America Book Character Costume makeup as Slappy from The Goosebumps series. He agreed that it was the best sick day he'd ever had. Last night he had trouble sleeping, but it can be hard to switch it back on after a big weekend, after a busy week, etc. Sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm helping him navigate society and anxiety when I have trouble doing those things myself. But I'm trying.
Not even 10:30 am! I'm going to watch Home & Family, take a shower and make something for brunch.

feb 24

What a weekend. Yesterday we took Adam and crew (Evan, Ripley & Justin) to Chuck E Cheese in Cinci. There are high winds and the electricity outages, so this morning the three of us played Scrabble while I drank mcdonalds coffee. It was a crash day. I even took a nap!

The kids had the best time yesterday. Adam got in the ticket blaster, which easily made the whole trip worth it even if they hadn't loved everything, which they did. They're good kids.

feb 21

It's my Mama's birthday.
So apparently last night I did the thing again where I compose the journal entry in my head but fail to type it out. I was thoroughly surprised there was no entry from yesterday! What did I even do yesterday?
Ah yes. It was my chill day. I did nothing but a little laundry. I colored and watched horror movies.
Today the SUN was out, we'd forgotten it. Long evening doing homework with Adam (this part was mainly Adam and Eric doing long pages of multiplication and fractions while I attempted only half successfully to make pancake dippers with bacon), but it felt productive and Eric is fucking amazing with our kid.

feb 19

It's been a bang up day. I went to Chillicothe by myself to Hobby Lobby etc to get supplies, made a breakfast casserole that was done (gravy and all!) in time for Mike to take some home for dinner. Then Heather came over at everyone else's bedtime and we made three sets of tile coasters. They're very impressive.
And I'm very tired. It's waaay past my bedtime. Pictures tomorrow.

Mon Feb 18

It's been a rough few daytimes but the evenings are redeeming. Eric and I have had some good talks; he stopped after work and got me cotton candy as a surprise which makes for the best cotton candy.

feb 17

The rain and grey are tugging me down so I sorta conjured a sunny spot in embroidery.
Rain.
Grey.
Blah.

feb 16

It's been an ups & down kinda day. Twitchy. But I finished Amy's scarf, made and awesome supper, drank Ski from a glass bottle. So the evening redeemed the day. Here are some pictures.

feb 15

It's only 11:30am which is way early for me to be doing this, but I've got a busy day coming up so I want to make sure I do it now. Connor is coming over so Heather can go to Jude's Valentine's Day Party (as a 5th grader, Adam no longer cares about such things as Mom coming to school during a rare free hour), then after school Ripley is coming over. I've taken drinks to the school and done a bunch of cleaning already. Kicking off my official work hiatus! Monday I'll go yarn shopping...

feb 14

Eric left me a handmade valentine shaped like a heart this morning. It said inside " do you love me? yes/no" - I said Yes.

Today was my last day at work for awhile. It wasn't a busy day as far as Valentine's Days go, but Jeanine, Holly & I all unplanned wore red and black, it was adorable and we got pictures.

So so ready for the break. I'm going to make so much shit.

feb 13

Dark and cold forever I guess?
I've begun at Menacing Hedge again. I told Kelly I would start reading again last week (and actually several times before that over the last few months but I've chickened out up til now) but waited to say it and make it real intil it actually was real by me doing it. If that makes sense. Tenuous grasp on the English language for a fiction editor. But hey, I'm doing it.

feb 12

Winter is tugging me down. All this cold, dark rain. But I'm plugging along.

feb 11

We've been talking today about going west next summer - Grand Titon Nat'l Park, Yellowstone, Badlands, Devil's Tower...

Rain, rain. Cold icy rain. Blah. Wish it were snow.

feb 10

Surprise snow his afternoon! Beautiful fat flakes. Supposed to turn to rain shortly, ugh.

Had a nice easy, quiet weekend, it's been lovely. Almost half-done with Amy's scarf.

feb 9 sat

Well, apparently the problem with drafting journal entries in your head is that if it's really late and you're really tired you can forget to actually open up the laptop and type it out... that must've been what happened last night.

Nice calm easy Saturday, my favorite kind. Adam is on his Switch, packing to go to Mom & Dad's, Eric is installing the new gun safe (a necessity with kids running in and out of the house), I'm knitting a scarf for Amy and watching Inception. It's sunny, 32 degrees.

I dreamed about hummingbirds in winter, they were in the yard in the cold and I was worrying for them. If that's not a global warming dream I don't know what it was.

We skipped the winetasting last night, and I'm glad. I'm having a hard time distinguishing between things anxiety is making me not want to do but that I actually really want to do (like meeting Chantal, or going to Staci's bday party) and things I just really don't want to do. I have a lot of brain work to do on my motivation for things; my wants are so mixed up with ulterior motives based on other people's wants that I have a difficult time understanding my own wants.

But anyway. It's a nice day with the weekend stretched out in front of us and no pressing responsibilities to finish it. What more could I want? ;)

feb 7

Well, today was a day but it's over. Finally done with candy. The day ended much better than it started, though, with Heather comin over to talk and watch Penny Dreadful. And I'm off tomorrow!

feb 6

I think Adam's birthday turned out pretty well. He seemed pretty happy and satisfied with the fanfare -decorations, & I put a card in his lunch. He opened presents after school (out 2hrs early for high water - just a week after snow days, it's 60degrees) and we met Eric in Chillicothe to eat at Longhorn, pet puppies at Petland, and go to Gamestop and Walmart in Jackson. We sang Happy Birthday and he blew out candles, with a bright pink squishy llama that was definitely not the llama from Fortnite but it was the best I could do! The candles had green/blue flames.* He and Eric had cake, then Adam played games on his Switch. It sounds like a nice birthday for an eleven-yr-old boy? I don't know - but nice for Adam. He doesn't seem to be too distracted by what's nice/typical for his peers. I love the person he's becoming - or revealing? Maybe a bit of both.






*I find color descriptions really satisfying today - might be all the bright decorations

feb 5 tuesday

Okay yes I skipped yesterday but it was a bad day and I was overwhelmed with candy-making melancholia and hysteria which has, fortunately, ended. I had a break-from-candy day and went to Hobby Lobby for yarn and Kroger for groceries.

Poor Eric is coming down with an awful cold! He's gone to bed early the past two nights.

I've just finished hanging a ridiculous amount of decorations up for Adam to wake up to in the morning. I'm VERY happy with the results.


here's that boy, with his dogs, and my embroidery.

5 Weeks Embroidery

feb 3

Candy is finished! Almost 2,ooo pieces.
I'm never making candy again.
We watched the Puppy Bowl & Kitten Bowl, and a piece of the Super Bowl halftime show, so I guess we celebrated the football occasion.
Tired.
Bed.

feb 2

it's been a day. Chocolate-making is insanely time-consuming, I think I should finish tomorrow.

Complicated weekend. Eic and I got into it lst night but I think we're okay now.

Adam went to a school dance tonight, the Valentine Dance at the Memorial Building. Beofre bed tonight, he snuggled u o the couch to watch TV like when he was littler. Can't seem to type "when he was little" without the "r".

Life is interesting.

feb 1

Made it through January. Another snow day today, woke up to snow, not enough to do much with and way too cold and windy to enjoy it. No sun. Still feels like January. I'm knitting my eyebrows with these unwelcome feelings but here they are. I've got Tea and X-Files and crafts and family and my brain and I'll keep on keepin on. The sun'll come out tomorrow ;)




There's value in all the little things you can do that collectively add up - crafts, cleaning, writin, any *making* - that adds up in little heartbeats - I am here, I am here 

jan 31 thurs

Surprise Snow Day! (again) Free day! Last day of January! Sister Night hangout!

Lots goin on. Polar vortex temperatures. I've been writing a little, watching Home & Family, putting on chicken chili, puttering. I'm enjoying puttering this winter. I typically would pace, and sit while staring, then pace more. I'm not doing too much sitting idle, if I sit I knit or embroider or color or type, I think it's made a world of difference. I'm ready for February. I've made peace with the cold.


It's been a lovely evening. Heather came over and we colored and watched True Romance. It's snowing again and everything is good,

jan 30

I've said it before, I'll say it again - I love a snow day! I've been making candy and watching TCM, which has the best lineup today: Carnival of Souls, Spider Baby, Blood & Black Lace, Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte. It's totally fine, we're lucky and grateful to be warm and safe and together.
So much Cheese.

jan 29

January is almost over! The polar vortex is arriving and it suuuuucks. But maybe we'll get the day off tomorrow. I hate to think of people in the cold.

My cousin Lori found a picture of Mama & Papa's house from 1988 on a site called Vintage Aerial. It was the best rush of memories, to see everything, and to tell Adam and Eric. I'm so glad it exists.

jan 28 mon

Rode to Chillicothe this morning to get yarn for me and a Fortnite sweatshirt for Adam - it was sunny, a nice ride. I'm trying to do that more often, I'm really getting to enjoy it.

4H started tonight, with a pizza party. It was good to see Kell and the Farley kids.

More later, including a pic of embroidery.


                                                                4 Weeks Embroidery

jan 27

the weekend went fast. I'm ready for time to myself tomorrow. I might ride to Chillicothe and get some yarn. That sounds amazingly pleasant.
 Heather and I are going to start hanging out, doing sister nights once a week. We need it!

jan 26

Today went FAST.
I slept in, woke up and directly began knitting and watching the new Ted Bundy documentary. It was a nice quiet day.

jan 25 fri

It's been a good day. sunshine and cold, cleaning. Adam went to his very first dance, with Ripley to Sts Peter & Paul. He came home having learned to dance in his necktie and tucked-in shirt, that had proved so difficult to move in earlier in the evening. Came home dancing.

Eric and I were talking and agreed this is my best January on record. Yeah, I'm having small difficult times, but never do I spend long periods of time wanting to pull off my skn and staring ot the window like Jack Torrance. That's par for January, and there's been shockingly little of it.

2019 kicks ass.

jan 24 thurs

Surprise snow day! It's 9am and all our grumbly nighttime feelings about having to get up early and go out in the cold were for naught. The roads are white and the sky is grey and we're not going anywhere :) I'm going to knit awhile and maybe write.

12 hrs Later
It's been a great day. This lavender orange face mask smells amazing. Adam and I lounged today, hung in our pjs watching Lemony Snicket. We ate breakfast for dinner, I made cookies. The day was a gift. We appreciated it.

jan 23rd

Ran LOTS of errands today. Got two red birds for my wreath. And some excellent tomato bisque soup. I'm going to bed.

jan 22

Tired! But okay. It's 10pm. The snow is almost gone. I've had a long day, not sure why. January of course. Tomorrow I'm going to drop clothes at Salvation Army and to get candymaking supplies. Tomorrow will be better.

jan 21 mon

It's been a good day. Adam and I played in the snow again, and I had a board meeting in Portsmouth. There was so much sunshine!

3 Weeks, Year of Embroidery

jan 20

It's a bang-up day. I started a story, and Adam and I went out in the snow.
I don't have a title but I've got a page of text, the first letter in a series, the beginning of a character chart, and a Pinterest board of circus pictures. I guess I'm just going to roll around in this and take my time, let it sorta ooze out all over. It feels good to think about a fabricated world. It feels good to flip the phone book for names.
The sun is out. Here are pictures from earlier this afternoon.

Part 2
it's midnight. I'm so very happy and it's been such a lovely day. It's 5 degrees. dam just lay down, we got to see the beautiful amazing clear bright lunar eclipse. Black and white and orange, and the snow puffing sparkly white gusts in between my eyelashes and the sky. Moon..

Jan 19 Sat

My favorite part of this January has been little mandarin oranges. We sit in the living room of the evening and I divide them between the three of us, wedge by wedge. It's so winter cozy and animal familial. I know I've mentioned it before.

I continue to knit and embroider. I buy handfuls of skeins of embroidery thread. I'm not very good but I like it.

The winter storm is so far just rain and rain and rain. It's supposed to be changing to snow any minute now and dump buckets of snow on us instead of rain, I so hope it happens.

Almost 11pm. Adam just lay down and Eric's asleep at the other end of the couch. There are always weird little hiccups that upset the ship, but we straighten it out and keep on sailing. That sounds like a paraphrase of a Beach Boys lyric.

jan 18

There' supposed to be a big Winter Storm tomorrow - everyone is so excited. People love when Things Happen, even though they pretend they don't.
it's been a good day. Walking at Mom's work w/Heather then we went with Mom & Mechel to Giovannis. After school Adam & I ran to Chillicothe and got his dress clothes for the dance at Sts Peter & Paul next weekend, then he spent the evening at Ripley's while Eric slept in the recliner and I watched TCM.
It's almost midnight Friday night, the dogs are asleep and Adam is under a blanket at the other end of the couch. We're stocked up on groceries and ready to watch movies and play games for the weekend.

jan 17 thurs

Tired today. This will be short.
Twas a pretty good day. More rain than snow but work was smooth and Scott made fried bologna sandwiches for lunch.
Adam went to a skating party, and I've done a little knitting and a little zoning out and I'm about ready for bed.

Jan 16

change of pace! It's morning. 8:40am, the dogs are sleeping, there's a little leftover snow on the ground, I'm in my pjs and watching the end of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on TCM.

I don't want any of my working/typing on here to become too constrained with routine. I don't want every entry to be at 9;30pm before I do pre-bedtime stuff.

The itch is back. The "stories in me" itch. I've been so afraid I'd never feel it again, that pull towards all the other lives that are not but are. that was unnecessarily purple prose, but ti stands as truth. Itchy, restless, wanting, that's the way to live. It makes one make up so many lovely things. I'm going to dig into the Word program this week and make myself type up the piece I wrote out in longhand about the girl in the circus. It's not even 100 wds, but it's something. I may very well fashion it into the beginning of Franklin Park Conservatory I very much like the idea of patients having very rich impossible back stories. I might re-type out the draft for FPC itself, just for the keyboard practice and the possibility of slipping into editing while typing.

I don't know why I'm so afraid it won't work, and that it won't be good. I mean, I know a lot of it has to be post-medication post-life-changing-breakdown fear that I'm too changed, too different, too sober. Too adapted to this civilian life. Too rooted in daily life. Too scared to let go and slip slip slide into other dimensions, then be expected to effortlessly slip right back...


part 2 10pm
I wonder if the girl from the circus wrote letters to her aerialist.
I wonder if I could open up another thread of letters to this aerialist, just a whole life in epistolary form, whether or not I even use half of it I want to do t, I think...
ooooh I'm actually kinda excited.
nervous
excited!

jan 15

it's been a good day. Quiet at work, with the dogs in their sweaters and fat chicken salad sandwiches for lunch. I love the Terry Family.

Eric is asleep in the recliner and I'm eating trail mix. Life is treating me okay. Winter is clear cold icy molasses, so Karo I guess? Anyway pull tar exhalation - but I'm trying to breathe. I am breathing.

jan !4

I'm enjoying the quiet times at home. The birdfeeder full of cardinals. My slippers.
More later. It's Monday and there are always things to do. <3

Part 2 8:20pm
End of Week 2 Embroidery

jan 13

I love the rhythm  and ritual of this winter. I'm rolling with it. Scrabble and snow and grocery lists on Sunday; folding laundry and True Detective with Eric asleep in the recliner and Domino melded to Eric's red plaid blanket.
I want to remember that blanket. It's connected to verything good and warm and soft about Eric. His beard, his smile.
Stitching every day, enjoying that ritual, too.
enjoying the snow.
There are hiccups of severe emotions but January is actually very much better than most. It's my boys. And my dogs :)

jan 12

it's been a long day but hey there's been snow and birds, and Eric is done with the water heater so things will be greatly improved tomorrow.

I've started another scarf. it might be for me. I thought maybe one for Craig Wallwork, or Chantal, but then thought I might want it for myself. There's a world of knitting in the future for me to make things for everyone.

"World of knitting in the future" :) I am a happy dork and old lady.

A perfectly lovely winter day, fluffy flakes and the birdfeeder full of bright cardinals.

Jan 11

I woke up and cleaned my ass off for like the whole first half of the day and felt a lot better about January. Part of it is being a little manic, yeah, and I had energy to burn off, but it does just feel really good to have just cleaned a bunch. Pls Ripley was coming over, and it's easier to welcome people into a comfortable home.
Watching this Marie Kwondo show about cleaning, as well. That's January, the itch, the cabin fever.
But the sun was out for awhile today, and tomorrow there's supposed to be some snow.

P.S. Mad Max:Fury Road is very good.
here are some pictures from this week.

Jan 10

Snow, snow, dancing snow all day. Through the windows and around the tires. There's no evidence now but it's coming back on Saturday. I'm prepared with my blanket, crock pot and bag of mandarins. No scurvy for these pirates.

jan 9

Snow flurries all day. And WIND! And cold. Sort of awful, but pretty, a proper Winter day emphasis on the capital W.

Proper Winter. I like that.

I've been watching stupid craft talk shows on Hallmark. I'm doing every craft and loving it.

I'm a little manic in that way - a little hyper-focused on the crafting, but it's the best way to work through the January tension.

jan 8

holy shit I'm tired.

it's bowie's birthday.

feeling particularly January today.

It's okay.

more tomorrow.

jan 7

10:10pm

it's been a good day. grocery shopping, got a scarf at Goodwill and used it on a wreath   don't have a picture but I'l get one after I add a bird or bow, something, to it. It's still a little too lonely-January-looking. A bit too appropriate. I'll add a cardinal and it will be warm.

7 days of stitches completed. Photo below, as well as 2 from my day yesterday.

jan 6

I missed yesterday! But I was so tired, it was Betty's Memorial in the afternoon, with dinner afterward.

Today went to Columbus to meet Chantal. We went to the Conservatory (one of my favorite places in the whole universe), and to Lemongrass & Th e Book Loft. It was an awesome day.

so it's been an emotional roller coaster of a weekend to say farewell to xmas break. I need to crash. Tomorrow is a slow day - and hopefully sunshine.

jan 4

it's pouring rain. eric and I just did tea tree masks. we're watching Drag Race All Stars, Adam is here in the room playing Fortnite on his switch.

Rain.
Rain.
Rain.

I worked on embroidery, made sprigs of lavender. Didn't get a picture :)

P.S. Part 2 at 10:43pm
I forgot to mention that earlier BEFORE it rained I did get outside to feed tomatoes to the chickens.
it was a pretty good day.
here are 7 pictures of it.